Memory Lane

Nostalgia1Nostalgia is such a dangerous feeling to have. It creeps up on you and all of a sudden the past is roses and rainbows and unicorns. You start going back and looking at old picture galleries. Sadness and fear take over for a brief moment; sadness because the past is gone and fear that the future will never be as good as the past. The festive season is the worst for some strange reason. I think it’s the heady combination of celebration, family and alcohol. They bring out the best and worst in all of us. Today has been one of those hard days for me. I found myself in the nostalgia trap as I was finalising my plans for the festive season.

What’s got me looking back? It has been juts over a year since the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with sent me the text messages that ended our nearly decade-long relationship. It hasn’t been easy for me to get over the hurt and betrayal I felt. A year later and I still find myself curled on my bed in sadness. Time and distance have made things easier, but every time nostalgia creeps in things get difficult.

But it’s not a bad place to be. As long as you can see through the rainbows and unicorns and see the past for all that it was. There’s a strength that comes from acknowledging that good times were had but you can’t forgot the bad as well. That’s the problem with nostalgia, you forget the bad and dwell on the good. In doing that you can sucked in and fall in to a sadness. Every day is a struggle and as they say, time makes it easier. That’s the hope that I will have to hold on to.

Let me be me

By Sir Noire

I did not sleep with Kuda*.

He is a hot 20-something guy with a nice firm supple ass, a glorious cock and well defined upper body muscles with a tattoo on his left arm that gives him the dangerous look that many guys, myself included are after.

He lives a straight lifestyle, pretty much. He watches football religiously, only drinks beer (not that watching football and drinking beer makes anyone less gayer, but you get my point) and hangs out with a straight crowd who do not know what he gets up to behind closed doors.  He only wears loose fitting clothes and baseball caps, the ultimate ‘straight’ look.

But that is not why I did not sleep with him.

I did not sleep with him because he denied me the conviction of my own experience. Like how I have straight friends who are aware of my sexuality and are still comfortable to be my friend, to spend nights at my place or theirs, at times even sharing the same bed. He says I have been fucked by all of them. He can’t believe that I don’t have to lie about having a girlfriend anymore or that if someone is straight, it doesn’t automatically make them a homophobe.

But that has not been his experience as a closeted man who has obviously not come out to himself yet.

There is nothing more irritating than someone refusing you your own truth because of their narrow minds and because they have not experienced that truth yet.  And this is not a problem particular to Kuda only; it is rife within the gay community.

A tall/muscular/masculine guy is a top.
A skinny/short/chubby/fem guy is a bottom.
Two gay guys together are sleeping together.

The above stereotypes are taken as true. But from experience we all know how looks can be deceiving. Things are not always as they appear!

With all the experiences that we as the LGBT community have been through, we all know that our experiences have been different. Our stories of coming out and/or into ourselves are different. We all have different relationships with our families and friends. We come from different backgrounds and have different interests.

We are human after all.

Fitting ourselves into boxes is basically a denial of our own varied experiences and agreeing to the boxes that the outside world puts us all in. The beauty of being queer is that we already exist outside expected norms.

My name is Sir Noire and I am undefined by society. My personal convictions based on my own experiences are mine and no dangerous looking muscles or firm supple butt is going to change that truth!

*Names and identifying features have been changed to maintain anonymity